Connected Conversation

“True dialogue can only happen if I enter the conversation willing to be changed by it. If I am unwilling to change, to be affected sufficiently to consider options new to me, on what grounds am I expecting the other person to change?”

Miki Kashtan, The Little Book of Courageous Living


Connected Communication – An introduction

Newt Bailey — paraphrasing from video clip above — on communicating based on the work of Marshall Rosenberg’s (NVC) model and when this tool, in our toolbox, may come into (relevance)/play:

“…To a large extent what I’m suggesting to people is that when they are in a stressful conversation or a fight, an argument, anything where they are finding that their communication is not going in a way that they would want, a lot of the time what I’m basically saying to people is, ‘look you can talk however you like, most of the time, you know if it works for you to say whatever you’re saying, but if you’re really clear that if it’s not working for you, or not working for the other person, then shrink down your available options down to just three options.’  That’s essentially what I’m saying to people.  And the practice is in actually, it’s maybe more difficult to shrink down and turn away from all the normal things you ordinarily do,  blaming, persuading, criticizing people, making demands, telling stories, telling jokes, all of these other options, many options.   To shrink it down to just three options, and the three options are:  How am I doing right now (self-connection)?  How is the other person doing right now (call this empathy)?  And the third choice, just expressing honestly what you got in touch with when you checked in with ‘how am I doing’…  That creates a simplicity basically which  also, strangely enough, creates much more potential for connection between you and the other person which will then lead, more frequently, to some kind of a useful outcome that you both enjoy…”

The Connection Continuum:
<<< You and me (always moving back and forth) >>>continuum-connection

rage, disconnection and violence                                 connection, compassion, peace

Hart’s Communication-Flow-Chart

ZENVC’s Communication Flow Chart

NVC Model

empathetically listening:

observations

feelings

needs

requests

honestly expressing:

observations

feelings

needs

requests

Cartoon

More irreverent NVC cartoons: http://anvc.svenhartenstein.de

Thumbnail image for “Connected Conversation Process” – instructional video

In the video beneath, Ali Miller and Newt Bailey portray a couple, Debbie and Jason, who have a mildly contentious conversation. They then try using the “Connected Conversation Process” the foundational process of the Communication Dojo, to navigate through their conflict with greater mutual understanding and connection.

The 2 Parts and 4 Components of NVC

NVC Model

Two monologues do not make a dialogue.
~ Jeff Daly

“Connected Conversation Process” – instructional video

Chapter 69, Tao Te Ching

In the beginning aggressiveness seems to win,
But at the end, he who is compassionate wins.”
–   Translated by Octavian Sarbatoare, 2002, Chapter 69

Tao Te Ching69

When two great forces oppose each other,
the victory will go
to the one that knows how to yield.

Tao Te Ching – Verse 69, Lao Tzu
(Stephen Mitchell translation)

Compassionate Communication – An Intro

Dialogue is a conversation … the outcome of which is unknown.”
~ Martin Buber

Kashtan, “A Naturalizing the NVC language comes from aligning ourselves with the truth and expressing from that place.”

ZENVC’sCommunication Flow Chart (PDF format)

Videos — Communication Dojo

Listening to “Good News”

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