Check-in [’40 Words’ or less]
“Dialogue is a conversation … the outcome of which is unknown.” — Martin Buber
II ~ Check-in
Following our [OFNR-oriented] self-connection/guided-meditation, we’ll explore — in a variety of ways — how we might naturalize our interior self-awareness externally as a naturalized expression, focusing in particular on choice/versatility and efficacy.
Naturalizing our expression
of Feelings & Needs
(11:40 – 13 minute mark)
See also (portion of video above):
Adapting List of Feelings/Needs
to Cultural Context
(Between 23:50 – 27:15 minute mark)
Pick a situation in which you have tried to use NVC language and lacked flow despite your intention to connect.
a) Find language that feels completely flowing for you, regardless of use of NVC, and write it down. b) Review what you wrote and look for any hidden judgments, demands, interpretations, labels, etc., and translate those into fluid and rigorous language that’s consistent with your intention to connect, sounds natural, and doesn’t have any judgments in it.
Try to either express &/or empathize without using the preface/word “feeling” or “need“
Feelings: I’m sensing/aware of/noticing/experiencing/sitting with…
Needs: I value/appreciate/care about/wanting/want to cultivate…
Is important/Matters to me…
For more ~ See Center for Collaborative Communication’s:
Practice with street empathy using a variety of alternative phrasing, including just leaving out using the preface/words “feeling” or “need“.
Classical ~ Are you feeling ______ because you need _____?
(Are you feeling frustrated because you need respect?)
Colloquial ~ Are you _____ as you value ______?
(I sense you’re frustrated and would appreciate some respect…)
Eliminating the words “feeling” and “need” from our speech even while maintaining a close focus on feelings and needs. This shift, for many people, results in being able to hear what we say without thinking that we are being “touchy-feely.”
E.g. instead of saying: “Are you feeling frustrated because you need respect?” we might say: “Are you frustrated because you want respect?”
Eliminating the explicit link between feelings and needs through the use of the word “because” in the classical template construction. In this case it’s a conceptual barrier, not simply a linguistic one. The understanding that feelings arise from needs is not widespread, and the use of this language often renders the speech awkward and confusing to others. A solution could either be dividing the expression into two sentences, or dropping the focus on feelings altogether and focusing only on the needs.
E.g. in the previous example, we might drop the word “because” as follows: “[Are you frustrated?] Do you want to be respected for your point of view even when there is disagreement?”
The emotional brain responds to an event more quickly than the thinking brain.
More irreverent NVC cartoons: http://anvc.svenhartenstein.de
Essentializing – Say More with Less Words:
Be concise; the more words people use, the harder it becomes for listeners to take everything in. Clarity is often lost for both the speaker and listeners as the most valuable information becomes buried in abstraction and explanation. Less words generally yield greater impact. Try 40 words or less. Have everyone agree to experiment with brevity.
See also, our tab: Living Energy of the Needs
The 2 Parts and 4 Components of NVC
Two monologues do not make a dialogue.
~ Jeff Daly
Part of how flow between empathy and honesty occurs, is through being concise and inviting input from others…
Definition of ESSENTIALIZE
The Distillation Process
Distillation has been an essential part of nature since the earth began. The heat of the sun evaporates water from the earth’s surface into the atmosphere, leaving impurities behind. As the vapor cools, it condenses and falls back to earth as rain, snow or other forms of precipitation. [via: http://www.excelwater.com/eng/b2c/distprocess.php%5D
Practicing how to essentialize, or intentionally distill our words, is a practice in mindfulness (and a warm up, akin to barre work, in anticipation of a time when our performance counts, i.e. when we’re ‘on stage’)…
Barre work in ballet refers to the exercises performed at the beginning of a dance class, standing at the ballet barre.