“What is essential here is the presence of the spirit of dialogue, which is in short, the ability to hold many points of view in suspension, along with a primary interest in the creation of common meaning.” ~ David Bohm
“Dialogue is a conversation … the outcome of which is unknown.” ~ Martin Buber
V ~ Dialogue/Role Play w/iGiraffe – Experiments in NVC Consciousness
|ZENVC’s: Communication Flow Chart (PDF format)|
Two monologues do not make a dialogue.
~ Jeff Daly
Here Ali Miller and Newt Bailey portray a couple, Debbie and Jason, who have a mildly contentious conversation. They then try using the “Connected Conversation Process,” the foundational process of the Communication Dojo, to navigate through their conflict with greater mutual understanding and connection. (FYI ~“Connected Conversation Process” – quick example)
The 2 Parts and 4 Components of NVC
In true dialogue, both sides are willing to change.
Watch the Conflict Hotline:
Click here to see a complete listing and description of all the episodes from the three years of the program since 2009 (with links to them on YouTube).
“To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well”
— John Marshall
August 2011: The Power of Role Play
Courtesy of ~ Words That Work … articles on Mediation (Ike Lasater/John Kinyon)
Learn more about Robert Gonzales
Compassion is being able to see and by “see‟ I mean through the heart as opposed to “see‟ in some sensory, intellectual way; to see through the heart the beauty and the tragedy, if you will, the love and the love that is appearing in a disguised form in all of those who come our way and in all of the experiences that emerge into our sphere. But it must also be recognized that compassion, compassionate self care is a way of coming to our current perception, our current fear, our current judgment and respecting that with the same integrity and with the same steadfastness as we respect that fear after it begins to translate itself into something warmer and deeper.
-Stephen R. Schwartz
Conflict Hotline – Intimacy
Miki Kashtan with Itzel Damaris and Newt Bailey
“You are so cheap” – a woman takes issue with her boyfriend’s date plans.
“I’m not in the mood” – a couple copes with differences in their desire for sex. (et als.)
We are here to awaken from the illusion of our separateness. — Thich Nhat Hanh
“I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.”
1. Pick a situation in which you have tried to use NVC language and lacked flow despite your intention to connect.
a) Find language that feels completely flowing for you, regardless of use of NVC, and write it down. b) Review what you wrote and look for any hidden judgments, demands, interpretations, labels, etc., and translate those into fluid and rigorous language that’s consistent with your intention to connect, sounds natural, and doesn’t have any judgments in it.
2. Pick a situation in which you are struggling to connect and all you can come up with is judgments, demands, etc.
Write down what you said or what you would say if you opened your mouth. Then pick one commitment* or one intention** or skill*** from the reference materials that feels relevant to the situation, and imagine applying it. Write down how your language might change if you aligned your heart with the intention or commitment you picked.
When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.
— Ernest Hemingway
Matrix via www.pathwaystoliberation.net
Other ‘practice’ documents available via Manske’s website: Radical Compassion
“Deep listening is miraculous for both listener and speaker. When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand.”
— Sue Patton Thoele
“The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn’t being said.”
— Peter F. Drucker
December 2010 – Inner Conflict
Host Sigal Shoham and Coach Miki Kashtan are joined by role players Ali Miller and Kerry Tepperman as they examine in depth the inner conflict write-in viewer “Lauren” is experiencing over whether or not to visit her friend in crisis and provide support.
Breath, Body, Need – Self-Empathy/’Intensity’ Practice
(courtesy of the work of John Kinyon & NVCmediation.com)
WHEN HEARING A DIFFICULT MESSAGE
Judgmental (Jackal) Ears Out
Blame or criticize the other person
“It’s your fault.”
“You are _________.”
“You should ______.”
Voice of Anger
Judgmental (Jackal) Ears In
Blame or criticize yourself
“It’s my fault.”
“I am __________.”
“I should ______.”
Voice of Guilt, Shame and Depression
Generative (Giraffe) Ears In
Connect to your internal experience of feelings and needs
because I need/value______.”
Voice of Self-Empathy
Generative (Giraffe) Ears Out
Connect to the feelings and needs of the other person
“Are you feeling _______
because you’re valuing/needing______?”
Voice of Empathy
Based on the work of Marshall B. Rosenberg, author of
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
© 2006 peaceworks Jim and Jori Manske, CNVC Certified Trainers
- It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence.
Indian political and spiritual leader (1869 – 1948)
Notice several situations where disagreements/tensions/conflict occur:
- Write down examples of what you said during these interactions.
- How did your choices attend to your needs (and how not)?
- How did what you said attend to the needs of others (and how not)?
- Were you able to keep your heart open to your own needs and experience?
- Can you identify what you might have done to attend more fully to your own needs?
- Can you imagine what you might have done to attend more fully to the other’s needs?
- Can you imagine a path that would have moved you closer to a solution that would have worked for both of you?
- Notice what obstacles prevented you from responding in a way you would have preferred (for example an emotional reaction such as fear and/or a belief that you may have held as to the other).
- Also note ways in which you were able to respond in a way which served needs, even partially (for example, taking a breath prior to responding).
Most quarrels amplify a misunderstanding.
— Andre Gide
Disclaimer: Not an Example of ‘Giraffe Fighting’:
|In this episode, Miki, Itzel, and Sigal explore the theme of anger: Where does it come from, what influences how we respond to it, what alternative ways might there be to express it. A wife gets angry with her husband over hearing the same old story again…|
The amygdala in the emotional center sees and hears everything that occurs to us instantaneously and is the trigger point for the fight or flight response.
Human beings, as they evolved, didn’t lose the fight or flight response; they just built on top of this “reptilian brain.” The new layer was the “cerebral cortex,” which allowed us to reflect on experiences and develop ideas rather than just act out instinctual responses.
~ David Rickey
Chart by Nancy Margulies – http://thegreatstory.org/charts/triune.html
Our human brain contains the foundations of vertebrate brain evolution: our reptilian brain (our Lizard Legacy) and our paleo-mammal brain (our Furry L’il Mammal). Evolved later is our human rational brain, the neocortex (our Monkey Mind), and highly developed in the human are the prefrontal cortex or frontal lobes (our Higher Porpoise; higher purpose).
Red: Ventromedial Prefrontal Cortex
COAL: Curiosity, Openness, Acceptance and Love.
For more clips of Dr. Siegel, see Reptilian Brain & Mindsight
Listen to W.A.I.T. right now
by Ike Lasater with Julie Stiles