Check-in [Naturalizing Fluency – ‘Essentializing/40 Words’]
Self-Connection Exercise/Opening Meditation [OFNR]
Dispatches from the Street w/ Principles & Intentions
Dialogue/Role Play – Experiments in NVC Consciousness
Check-out w/ Connection Requests
“What is essential here is the presence of the spirit of dialogue, which is in short, the ability to hold many points of view in suspension, along with a primary interest in the creation of common meaning.” ~ David Bohm
I. Check-in – essentializing w/ naturalized expression of OFNR (“40 Words” or less)
II. Self-Connection – OFNR* (the root of ‘stealth NVC/street giraffe’)
III. Street-Dispatches w/Matrix** + Fluency w/Feelings & [Living-Energy] Needs
IV. “Bricks & Mortar” – Fleshing out Universal Needs: Word-to-Phrase***
V. “Blueprint” – Dialogue/Role Play w/iGiraffe (Experiments: NVC Consciousness)
VI. Check-out – Flowers, Tears & Lightbulbs w/ Connection Requests
View more details here: Outline-of-Call
How does one get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice…
I. If you have people in your life who have expressed annoyance with your use of NVC, one way of starting the preparation for this class is to ask them for the most concrete examples they can remember of language that you say repeatedly and that sounds foreign to them. This could even be fun for you to do together if there is still trust left that your intention in using NVC is genuine. If you don’t have such people in your life, it would take more imagination on your part. I would invite you to listen to yourself speak as if you are another person, and pick out those repeating phrases that you use. Then, for each of the phrases that you identify, write down five alternative ways of conveying the core message your stock phrase is designed to communicate.
II. Between now and when we meet, notice times when people experience discomfort in relation to your use of NVC. Record your words as closely as you remember them so we can explore them together.
1. Think of situation in which you want to use NVC with someone who doesn’t use NVC. a. Write down your expression in classical NVC. b. Imagine yourself as the other person, and notice if you have any reaction or discomfort with the expression you chose. What might be the source of the discomfort? c. Find any way that you can revise your original expression that might overcome this person’s discomfort.
(Exercises beneath may be explored on the tele-practice call)
I ~ Check-in
Dispatches from the Street: Essentializing
[w/ ’40 Words’ or less with OFNR]
A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue. That’s why there are so few good conversations: due to scarcity, two intelligent talkers seldom meet.
II ~ Self-Connection Exercise/Opening Meditation [OFNR]
Why meditate on Needs?
Developing Interior Mindfulness of NVC Consiousness
View Manske videos on YouTube.com
The self is an oral society in which the present is constantly running a dialogue with the past and the future inside of one skin.
III ~ Street Dispatches w/ Matrix + Fluency with Feelings & Needs
Pick a situation in which you are struggling to connect and all you can come up with is judgments, demands, etc. a) Write down what you said or what you would say if you opened your mouth. b) Pick one commitment* or one intention** or skill*** from the reference materials that feels relevant to the situation, and imagine applying it. Write down how your language might change if you aligned your heart with the intention or commitment you picked.
Colloquial NVC — “How To” (Description of Exercises)
Pick a situation in which you have tried to use NVC language and lacked flow despite your intention to connect.
a) Find language that feels completely flowing for you, regardless of use of NVC, and write it down. b) Review what you wrote and look for any hidden judgments, demands, interpretations, labels, etc., and translate those into fluid and rigorous language that’s consistent with your intention to connect, sounds natural, and doesn’t have any judgments in it.
Try to either express &/or empathize without using the preface/word “feeling” or “need“
Classical ~ Are you feeling ______ because you need _____?
(Are you feeling frustrated because you need respect?)
Colloquial ~ Are you _____ because you’d like ______?
(Are you frustrated because you’d like some respect?)
More Advanced Example:
The emotional brain responds to an event more quickly than the thinking brain.
Building the Street Giraffe Muscle
IV ~ [Universal] Need-to-Phrase
Speak clearly, if you speak at all; carve every word before you let it fall.
— Oliver Wendell Holmes
1) Scenario/(Current Event); 2) Preferred Strategy; 3) [Universal] Need; 4) Phrase
[Group activity often utilizing current events]
I think what has happened, actually, is that September 11 has given a spur, a renewed urgency, to dialogue between the great faiths.
“How To” ~ Steps: [Universal]-Need-to-Phrase
Beneath via the work of Miki Kashtan:
To focus on another challenging line to walk in learning to have fluidity in our communication. It’s the line that separates strategies from needs while still maintaining relevant contextual specificity in the choice of words for needs. (Have a copy of the needs list available as you do this activity so as to enjoy variety.)
Collect a variety of (current event related) situations in which you are very clear what the preferred strategy is for you or for someone else. For each of them, do the following steps: 1) Write down the strategy minus any evaluation or demand, just exactly what you or the other person wants; 2) Find the need that seems the most relevant to you for this strategy. If this is your preferred strategy, you can usually fully identify the need. If it’s another person’s preferred strategy, just write down your best guess. This will almost always be just one word from the needs list: autonomy, respect, competence, love, meaning, etc. 3) Find a full phrase consisting of a few words that is specific enough to fit the context and yet is still clearly a need and not a strategy. For example, harmony with family members vs. harmony – and not “to get along with my family.”
Utilizing “Universal-Need-Full-Phrase” in Role Plays:
1. Engage in more role plays — here’s the basic outline:
a. In a particular scenario, think of your preferred strategy, and translate it into a full-phrase need.
i. Find the underlying need that is expressed through this strategy. ii. Fit this need into a full-phrase need that is specific to the context and the truth of the moment without including specific people, location, action, time, or object [PLATO].
iii. If you find that elements of strategy are still present, look for a deeper need that is informing the need you previously identified. For example, sometimes clarity can be a strategy for safety. Once you find a deeper need, it will usually be easier to find a strategy free contextualized full-phrase need.
b. Communicate as fluidly as possible to your dialogic/role-play partner as that other person. Remember to include a request.
c. Have your dialogic/role-play partner respond as the other person, without use of NVC.
d. Apply the same process to what the other person says to respond empathically:
i. Find a full-phrase need underlying whatever they said, be it strategy, judgment, demand, or anything else.
ii. Put that need in an empathic guess without the words feeling or need.
e. Continue in this slow-motion kind of dialogue, choosing empathy or expression in each round.
2. Offer each other empathy for whatever you want that kind of attention, and every few moments pause the process and find the full-phrase need that would fit the context. Once you reach fluency, the goal is to focus on full-phrase need language most of the time.
V ~ Dialogue/Role Play – Experiments in NVC Consciousness
Two monologues do not make a dialogue.
The 2 Parts and 4 Components of NVC
In true dialogue, both sides are willing to change.
“To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well”
— John Marshall
August 2011: The Power of Role Play
Courtesy of ~ Words That Work … articles on Mediation (Ike Lasater/John Kinyon)
Learn more about Robert Gonzales
Compassion is being able to see and by “see‟ I mean through the heart as opposed to “see‟ in some sensory, intellectual way; to see through the heart the beauty and the tragedy, if you will, the love and the love that is appearing in a disguised form in all of those who come our way and in all of the experiences that emerge into our sphere. But it must also be recognized that compassion, compassionate self care is a way of coming to our current perception, our current fear, our current judgment and respecting that with the same integrity and with the same steadfastness as we respect that fear after it begins to translate itself into something warmer and deeper.
-Stephen R. Schwartz
“I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.”
1. Pick a situation in which you have tried to use NVC language and lacked flow despite your intention to connect. a) Find language that feels completely flowing for you, regardless of use of NVC, and write it down. b) Review what you wrote and look for any hidden judgments, demands, interpretations, labels, etc., and translate those into fluid and rigorous language that’s consistent with your intention to connect, sounds natural, and doesn’t have any judgments in it.
When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.
— Ernest Hemingway
Other ‘practice’ documents available via Manske’s website: Radical Compassion
“Deep listening is miraculous for both listener and speaker. When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand.”
— Sue Patton Thoele
“The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn’t being said.”
— Peter F. Drucker
Breath, Body, Need – Self-Empathy/’Intensity’ Practice
Additional Handouts via: http://www.johnkinyon.com/resources_mediation.html
- It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence.
- Mahatma Gandhi
Indian political and spiritual leader (1869 – 1948)
Notice several situations where disagreements occur:
- Write down examples of what you said during these interactions.
- How did your choices attend to your needs (and how not)?
- How did what you said attend to the needs of others (and how not)?
- Were you able to keep your heart open to your own needs and experience?
- Can you identify what you might have done to attend more fully to your own needs?
- Can you imagine what you might have done to attend more fully to the other person’s needs more fully?
- Can you imagine a path that would have moved you closer to a solution that would have worked for both of you?
- Notice what obstacles prevented you from responding in a way you would have preferred (for example an emotional reaction such as fear and/or a belief/judgement that you may have held as to the other).
- Also note ways in which you were able to respond in a way which served needs, even partially (for example, taking a breath prior to responding).
Most quarrels amplify a misunderstanding.
— Andre Gide
Watch the Conflict Hotline:
Click here to see a complete listing and description of all the episodes from the three years of the program since 2009 (with links to them on YouTube).
The amygdala in the emotional center sees and hears everything that occurs to us instantaneously and is the trigger point for the fight or flight response.
Human beings, as they evolved, didn’t lose the fight or flight response; they just built on top of this “reptilian brain.” The new layer was the “cerebral cortex,” which allowed us to reflect on experiences and develop ideas rather than just act out instinctual responses.
~ David Rickey
Red: Ventromedial Prefrontal Cortex
COAL: Curiosity, Openness, Acceptance and Love.
For more clips of Dr. Siegel, see blog re: Giraffe Mindsight
Wise Heart (blog) -Additional Resources
VI. Check-out w/ Connection Requests:
(courtesy of the work of Miki Kashtan – see BayNVC.org for further details/copyright)