Adapting List of Feelings/Needs
to Cultural Context
(Between 23:50 – 27:15 minute mark)
Pick a recurring situation in which the same kinds of events stimulate a similar reaction for you.
- Enjoy the jackal show fully so that you can really hear what your jackal is saying. Get as clear as you can about your thinking. Notice it is different from what really happened. Be clear that it is what you made up about what happened. Appreciate the jackal voices as the messenger for something that really matters to you.
- Ask yourself, ‘If I had a magic wand and could have whatever I want in this situation, what would it be?’ Do not concern yourself with believability or how realistic it is. You are not concerned that this might never happen, you want to hear clearly what your jackal wants.
- Ask yourself, “If I got the thing my magic wand would give me, what is the positive thing this would do for me?’ This should be internal (at the needs level).
- Ask yourself, “If I got that, what would it let me do?” you should feel a quickening or perhaps a mourning or tearing up at this stage – a kind of sweet self-compassion and recognition that you have touched something real for you.
- Neurobiology & interpersonal relationships: via Susan Skye & Eric Bowers Road to Compassion’s Integrated Relationships
NVC & Inner Relationship Focusing:
Marshall Rosenberg mentions Focusing:At the seven minute mark Marshall says, “Deep breath. You see… Now this giraffe is glad that it has practiced focusing because it’s spent a lot of time learning how to get in touch with its feelings and needs and it can give itself some emergency first aid empathy right now to deal with what’s going on so that it can then focus its attention on the other person again.”
Last week, on February 2, 2014, we introduced the idea of ‘saying hello‘ to ‘something’ within. As the above clip demonstrates, Marshall Rosenberg had more than a passing familiarity with focusing and it’s my theory that it was an integral part of his self-empathy process. In choosing between the options of whether to honestly express oneself or empathically receive others, it’s possible to have a mixed reaction (varying parts, in focusing terms, having differing reactions). In that moment, simply saying ‘hello‘ — as detailed in last week’s blog post — can be a wise option (or as Ann Weiser Cornell has put it, the relational ‘revolutionary pause’).
- Four Choices when hearing a difficult message
- Differentiating between our preferred strategies and the living energy of our needs (with Godfrey Spencer’s “landscape/watermark” visualization).
- Linnaea Marvell’s “Magic Wand”, Self-Connection (chart) and Connected Dialogue.
- Kashtan’s Commitments
- Role Plays – Three Phases
- Jim Manske on Complaints
- Compassionate Leadership’s Matrix
- Mediating Conflict (Intra/Interpersonal)
- Acquired Spontaneity
- Mindful Self–Compassion
- Deducing the (NVC) Principle
- Navigating Conflict
- Max Rivers: Forbidden Needs, Half-Steps & NVC (in the context of Coupledom):
- Transfiguring Enemy Imagery – when we believe another doesn’t care about our needs and/or we have resentment that they should be different than they are. See also: Pema Chodron: Meditate for the Benefit of Others – YouTube
- Dwelling in request consciousness (grows out of holding needs tightly, strategies lightly); crafting requests as an invitation that acknowledges both our own needs and those of another. Marshall Rosenberg (paraphrase): “After conveying our needs, with the speed of light, ending with a present request” (otherwise our needs can be received as a critique/demand). how to employ present, positive (what we want rather than what we don’t want), action (what we can observe, see, i.e. something that is specific, concrete, tangible as in who/what/when/where/how — do-able and not abstract) language. Striking the interdependent balance of holding everyone’s needs with care. See also Requests-4-Connection (tab).
- Experimenting with one of the Core Commitments towards psychically shifting from a closed fist (or heart) to an open hand
Eugene Gendlin –The Primacy of Human Presence