What’s Up Next? (Teaser)


Below refers to Part V  of Call – View more details here: Outline-of-Call

Adapting List of Feelings/Needs
to Cultural Context

(Between 23:50 – 27:15 minute mark)

Linnaea Marvell:  Magic-Wand – Part 1

Pick a recurring situation in which the same kinds of events stimulate a similar reaction for you.

  1. Enjoy the jackal show fully so that you can really hear what your jackal is saying.  Get as clear as you can about your thinking.  Notice it is different from what really happened.  Be clear that it is what you made up about what happened.  Appreciate the jackal voices as the messenger for something that really matters to you.
  2. Ask yourself, ‘If I had a magic wand and could have whatever I want in this situation, what would it be?’  Do not concern yourself with believability or how realistic it is.  You are not concerned that this might never happen, you want to hear clearly what your jackal wants.
  3. Ask yourself, “If I got the thing my magic wand would give me, what is the positive thing this would do for me?’  This should be internal (at the needs level).
  4. Ask yourself, “If I got that, what would it let me do?” you should feel a quickening or perhaps a mourning or tearing up at this stage – a kind of sweet self-compassion and recognition that you have touched something real for you.

Chapter 1 Shame, Guilt and Anger – NVC

NVC & Inner Relationship Focusing:

Marshall Rosenberg mentions Focusing:
At the seven minute mark Marshall says, “Deep breath.  You see… Now this giraffe is glad that it has practiced focusing because it’s spent a lot of time learning how to get in touch with its feelings and needs and it can give itself some emergency first aid empathy right now to deal with what’s going on so that it can then focus its attention on the other person again.”

Last week, on February 2, 2014, we introduced the idea of ‘saying hello‘ to ‘something’ within.  As the above clip demonstrates, Marshall Rosenberg had more than a passing familiarity with focusing and it’s my theory that it was an integral part of his self-empathy process.  In choosing between the options of whether to honestly express oneself or empathically receive others, it’s possible to have a mixed reaction (varying parts, in focusing terms, having differing reactions).  In that moment, simply saying ‘hello‘ — as detailed in last week’s blog post — can be a wise option (or as Ann Weiser Cornell has put it, the relational ‘revolutionary pause’).

See also:

Living a Focusing Life

[PDF] Chapter One – Focusing Resources

How to start an empathy revolution: Roman Krznaric at TEDxAthens 2013

The erosion of empathy: Simon Baron Cohen at TEDxHousesofParliament

The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self Compassion: Kristin Neff

Teaching the ABCs of Attention, Balance and Compassion: Susan 

The key to transforming yourself — Robert Greene at TEDxBrixton

TEDxVancouver – Nolan Watson – Compassion Kills

How to love even when you want to kill: Bill Cumming at TEDxDirigo

The price of invulnerability: Brené Brown at TEDxKC

Shakespeare is everywhere: Christopher Gaze at TEDxVancouver

TEDxVancouver – Greg Power – The Power of Story

Salmaan Sana “Compassion for Care”

The science of compassion: Dr. James Doty at TEDxUNPlaza

TEDxPortsmouth – Dr. Alan Watkins – Being Brilliant Every Single Day (Part 

TEDxVancouver – Sean Aiken – What Makes You Come Alive?

BYIO – Remembering Marshall’s Dream

BYIO – Self-Empathy demonstration

BYIO – Some Keys to Empathizing with Others

BYIO – Designing effective NVC training – Clarifying Purpose

BYIO – The Gift of Feedback

BYIO – Designing effective NVC training – Clarifying Purpose

RSA Shorts: The Power of Empathy

Handy Handouts

Three Layers of Empathy
Self-Assessment Matrix

Matrix small


Hart – Communication Flow Chart
ZENVC’s Communication Flow Chart

  • Four Choices when hearing a difficult message
  • Differentiating between our preferred strategies and the living energy of our needs (with  Godfrey Spencer’s  “landscape/watermark” visualization).
  • Linnaea Marvell’s “Magic Wand”, Self-Connection (chart) and Connected Dialogue.
  • Kashtan’s Commitments
  • Role Plays – Three Phases
  • Jim Manske on Complaints
  • Compassionate Leadership’s Matrix
  • Mediating Conflict (Intra/Interpersonal)
  • Acquired Spontaneity
  • Mindful SelfCompassion
  • Deducing the (NVC) Principle
  • Navigating Conflict
  • Max Rivers:  Forbidden Needs, Half-Steps & NVC (in the context of Coupledom):
  • Dwelling in request consciousness (grows out of holding needs tightly, strategies lightly); crafting requests as an invitation that acknowledges both our own needs and those of another.  Marshall Rosenberg (paraphrase):  “After conveying our needs, with the speed of light, ending with a present request” (otherwise our needs can be received as a critique/demand).  how to employ present, positive (what we want rather than what we don’t want), action (what we can observe, see, i.e. something that is specific, concrete, tangible as in who/what/when/where/how — do-able and not abstract) language.  Striking the interdependent balance of holding everyone’s needs with care.  See also Requests-4-Connection (tab).

Baby Giraffe No. 2 : horizontal

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